Don't Go Off Wandering
by LaraWinner
Summary: HY&RP songfic Relena has a hard choice to make
1. Default Chapter Title

DISCLAIMER: I don't own gundam wing or any of its characters. I don't even own my car so don't sue me.*_*

Don't Go Off Wandering

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BY: Lara_Winner

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SONG BY: Limp Bizkit

_Everyday is nothin' but stress to me_

Constantly dwelling on how you got the best of me

Relena relaxed as the door to the limo slammed shut offering her relief from the mob of reporters. Her eyes slid closed as her mind wandered in circles. Nothing was going right and she was on the verge of breaking. Not only did this meeting with the Lower House turn out to be a complete waist of time but he had to be there too. The stress of her job was going to kill her if an assassin didn't first. Of course he was there to prevent that. He was there because she was just another mission. If she didn't stop dwelling on it the stress HE induced was going to kill her first. Her back was literally against a wall. There was no way she could escape her life but it was getting harder and harder to face the pain that was inflicted at every turn. She wondered if the great _Heero Yuy_ even realized what he was doing to her. 

_Wanna know somethin'_

I can't believe the way you keep testing me

And mentally molesting me

She tried in vain to push all thoughts from her mind but his image just wouldn't go away. What the hell did he want from her anyway? She had all the protection she needed so he could just disappear again like always. But no, when she had longed for him come to her he was never around and now that she didn't need the added heartache he wouldn't leave her alone. Was he trying to destroy her or did he just enjoy playing mind games?

_But would you think any less of me if I said that I'd be there_

Would you think any less of me if I said I really care

Of course you would

Her anger rose at the thought. She had done all she could to get through to him and he'd done all he could to push her away. It was a vicious cycle that she had to break. So the only thing left to do had been smile and treat Heero Yuy like he didn't exist and hope that one-day he really wouldn't exist in her little world. Too bad her actions couldn't change the way she felt. Despite everything she still loved him with an intensity that terrified her. Only from now on she'd be dammed if he'd know it. She might be a sucker for him but she wasn't stupid.

Cuz you only want what you can't have

As for me I'm stuck with my head in my hands

Reaching up she rubbed the back of her neck. God, she was tense. All this was taking it toll on her. Bracing her elbows on her knees she dropped her head in her hands. She was tired of keeping up the appearance of control. She was tried of pretending she had her life in order. She was tired of letting Heero have this disrupting effect on her. He should have self-destructed right the first time and put everyone out of their misery. The thought made her smile. 

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Because you don't feel nothing at all

You don't feel nothing at all

She couldn't live with him and she couldn't live without him. It was a sick joke played on her by fate. That she should love him with all her heart and he should feel nothing made her want to laugh hysterically. Why? The concept of their whole relationship was that she was a mission. He had to protect her. That was all he cared about. If the world said it no longer needed her and he was given a new mission to kill her he would. And he would probably be happy to be rid of her. And the really sick part was that if killing her would make him happy then she would gladly die for him. That's how addicted I am to the pain he causes me, she thought. A pain that he's never felt in his life and that's assuming he's ever felt anything to begin with, her mind stormed.

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Maybe there's more to life than it seems

I'm constantly running from reality chasing dreams

She thought of all the times that she followed him like a dog after a bone. He was the only thing she could focus on for so long and now that she had to grow up it hurt. She couldn't run from reality anymore. She had to face the fact that she would never have him and she was pathetic to still want him. She had other more important things to stress over than "Mr. Perfect Soldier Yuy". She had better things to do with her time than pant after him and make a sad spectacle of herself. Her days of being his little toy were over.

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Wanna know something I can't believe

Just how much misery comes with humility

It sickened her to know she had wanted him so much that she had actually started out right demanding that he care for her. She had no pride back then. She had been spoiled and assumed she could have anything she wanted and she wanted HIM. Then she learned the true lesson behind all this. It hurt to know that nobody is guaranteed a happy ending. That sometimes you can give something your all and it will still blow up in your face. She didn't like to look at life from that angle and admit defeat but she also knew when to give in. He wasn't going to be a part of life anymore that he was now and she had to deal with that. And the sooner the better.

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Do you think any less of me now that I'm gone

Look at me now, everything is gone 

She wondered vaguely if he even noticed the cold way she'd been treating him. The way she basically ignored his presence until she absolutely had no choice but to acknowledge him. The way she never smiled at him anymore and the way her eyes seem to glare when they meet his. Probably not. If anything he would think she was weak for showing such emotion at all. But she couldn't help but show that her world was crumbling around her. Her work was demanding all her energy and she didn't have the strength to keep up the facade any longer. Her whole life was just a time bomb that was slowly ticking. 

_I can't seem to do anything right_

Bit I figured out why you don't let me inside

Dragging herself out of the limo and into the cold winter air she forced herself to climb the stone steps to her mansion. Hastily she made her way to her little sanctuary. The only room in the whole house she felt at ease was her bedroom. But it was her heaven and her hell. Her eyes took in all the reminders of her messed up situation. She ignored the tears that flooded her eyes as she decided to take the last step and free herself from him once and for all.

She gently picked up the picture of him she had on her night stand. Her eyes darted over to the cozy fire glowing at the far side of the room. Purposely she removed the picture from the frame and releasing all the bitter pain inside her she ripped the image of his face to shreds. Still holding what was now confetti she picked up the stuffed bear he's given her for her sixteenth birthday. This one really hurt. She smiled at the worn bear as she gently fingered the tattered little thing. She had led herself to believe this gift had meant something but it was time she took it for face value.

Walking over to the fire with determined footsteps she felt the tears began to fall. Before the fire she paused as she braced herself to finish their little game once and for all. She watched with almost detached dread as the torn pieces of the picture floated into the fire where she tossed them. As each piece burned she felt a little more of her heart die. 

She looked down at the stuffed bear clenched in her hand. This was her last tie to him. She was supposed to be happy to be rid of him, so why was this killing her? It's not like he ever cared and you knew all along he would never give you a chance, and now you know why. He never felt anything for you, her mind taunted.

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Because you don't feel nothing at all

You don't feel nothing at all

"Goodbye Heero." she whispered as she dropped the bear into the waiting flames. She wished with all her heart that she could be like him. Completely emotionless, free from the burden of ever feeling anything. She tried to stop the tears but there was nothing she could do. She felt she was being consumed with the flames too. 

This is all you're fault Heero, she thought with growing anger. You made me think you cared and now I'm the one dying because you didn't. 

"Did you ever care?" she whispered brokenly.

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You need nothing from me now

You think I'm useless to you now

But I need one thing from you now

I insist that you feel me now

Her eyes locked on her tear stained face in the mirror and her control broke. Lashing out with her fist she smashed the image of her face dead center. She ignored the pain as the glass cut through her skin. She could only focus in the feel of her anger. The beautiful soul cleansing anger that consumed her. 

"One day you will feel and you will hurt and only then will you ever learn, Heero." She hissed as she tried to move her injured hand. 

"One day you will feel me and you'll learn what it is to suffer." She whispered, her voice echoing through the silent room. 

A.N.- Okay, First I have no idea why they named this song that stupid title but the lyrics are cool and this song just fit Relena so well that I was forced to write it. I had to change one line of the song to fit the story, sorry. If you know the song then you what line I'm talking about. I tried and I'm sorry, but I can't write a happy Relena. There is just too much depth to her character and I've always written angst better than sap. You can thank my muse for the depression trip. I may do a Heero pov to this story and maybe not. I dunno what I'll come up with next but thanks for being cool readers and as always you're the best!!!!!!!*_* 

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	2. Default Chapter Title

DISCLAIMER: I don't own gundam wing or any of it's characters. I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*

Mud Shovel 

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BY: Lara_Winner

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SONG BY: Staind

_You take away_

I feel the same

Heero Yuy watched as the sleek black limo pulled to a stop in front of the Peacecraft estate. His eyes studied the young lady who exited the limo with a blazing intensity. His duty was done now that she was safe in the confines of her lavish home. His mouth twisted ironically. She would never be safe, not as long as she had this perverse effect on him. She had too much control over him. She was something he would never understand. His confusion was still foremost in his mind when it came to her. 

_You take away_

I feel the same

He turned and in the fading sunlight's shadows made his way to take his position right below her balcony. His mind still fought with the familiar topic of Relena. What was he confused about? It was so simple; he was to protect her. Anything else was not his concern or his problem. So why did it bother him that she hadn't been herself these past weeks? She seemed distant and shut off from everything. This was a side of Relena he'd never seen before. And he was definitely getting the message that he was at the center of all this. Not my concern, he reprimanded himself firmly.

_All the promises you made to me were made in vain_

I lost myself inside your tainted smile again

His eyes narrowed and he cursed silently. It was too late to fight it. She was his concern in every sense of the word. She was his concern ever since she forced her way into his life, into his heart. His anger rose along with his fear. He didn't want this and he didn't need this and now he was forced to admit it hurt that she was pushing him away. How could she? She promised she'd always be there. She made him her goal and she didn't stop till she had him right where she wanted him. Now she was turning her back on him. Damn her! 

He tried to block her face out of his mind but he couldn't. He could see her deep blue eyes and her charming smile. That smile was his downfall. Her smile had given him hope and faith. And now that hope and faith was fading as quickly as the setting sun. 

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You can feel my anger

You can feel my pain

You can feel my _torment _

Driving me insane

He was slowly falling back into the hell she had carried him out of. He was tearing himself to pieces trying to figure out why she doing this to him. Maybe she was playing a sick game with him. He didn't know. All he did know for sure was that being this close to her and yet having her so far away was killing him. If only she could feel his torment then she would understand just how much of him she had conquered. But she would never understand what it had cost him to let her in.

_I can't fight these feelings _

They will bring you pain

You can't take away 

Make me whole again

And now that she was inside his heart she was even more dangerous than before. She had the power to destroy him with just a few well-chosen words if she wanted. And from her actions lately those words might be spoken soon. He didn't know what he did to make her act this way towards him. He'd only done what she wanted from the beginning, he'd finally learned to love and trust her. Why else did she think he risked his life for her and why else would he stay on earth other than to be near her? She wasn't a stupid girl so she should have figured it out. What did she need him to do spell it out for her?

Of course he held the power to do as much damage also. It was so easy for him to destroy things that sometimes he hurt the ones he wanted to help. He was capable of doing more harm to her than good. He hated to admit it but she would be safer if she pushed him away. He would rather be the one to suffer since suffering was a constant companion of his anyway. 

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I feel betrayed

Stuck in your ways

In the darkness he decided it was safe to change his post. With the skill of a well-trained soldier he scaled the wall and effortlessly swung himself over the balcony. Blending in with the shadows, he peered trough the glass doors into her room. His eyes hungrily searched the dim room for her figure. He found her standing by the side of her bed holding what looked like a picture. 

He had been in her rooms several times with and without her permission. He had committed every object she possessed to memory. He knew the picture she was glaring at was of himself. He almost flinched as she began ripping the picture to pieces. He could see the anger in every movement she made. Strangely watching her brought to mind the day she'd ripped up the card he'd given her for her birthday. 

No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when she abruptly stood up and he noticed in her hand was the bear he'd given her. He watched her walk to the fireplace and he knew what she was going to do. He tried to keep his emotions at bay as he watched her feed the bear to the flames. He was about to turn away when he saw her lips move. He clearly made out the two words that were now going to destroy him.

'Goodbye Heero' 

How could she do this to him? Hadn't he done enough to satisfy her? What did he do wrong? He felt lost as the questions invaded his mind. His gaze was locked on her figure still staring blankly into the flames of the fire. His heart twisted painfully as her shoulders began to shake slightly from the force of her tears. He hated to see her cry but at the same time he felt justified that this was hurting her too. 

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You rip me apart with the brutal things you say

I can't deal with this shit anymore I just look away

He closed his eyes trying to block out the sight of tear stained face. He knew better than to ever trust her. He certainly knew better than too ever love anyone. He learned his lesson well and he would never let anyone this close again. The only person that he could depend on was himself. Dr. J had been right when he'd said that love was just a chemical reaction in the brain and that there is no true heart to a human. How ironic that this useless chemical reaction was now costing him his sanity.

His eyes snapped open at the sound of breaking glass. She had moved from his line of vision and he could no longer see her. He tried to push forward as much as he could with out stepping into the dim path of light cast from her room. After a moment she appeared again and instantly his eyes locked on the blood dripping from her hand. What the hell did she do?

Not thinking he rushed forward and began knocking furiously on the glass door. Her head snapped up and her eyes were wide with surprise. He knew the exact second she recognized him by the way her eyes narrowed as she leveled him with a perfect copy of his own death glare.

"Relena, open the door!" he demanded.

"Go to hell!" she snapped.

He didn't have the patience to argue with her. His attention was focused on the growing puddle of blood at her feet. Pressing down on the door handle he twist the metal and the lock broke with a dull click. Her eyes widened as he pushed open the door and she tried to pull away as he took hold of her and nearly dragged her to her bathroom. He lifted her hand so he could see the wound in the bright light only to have her jerk it away from his grasp. 

"I don't need or want your help!" she said, her voice shaking with suppressed anger. 

"Relena." He said as the look in his eyes silenced any further protest.

Reluctantly she placed her hand back in his. An awkward silence fell between them. He noted the way she refused to meet his gaze the entire time he tended her hand. He also noticed the way his body was uncomfortably alert to hers in the confined space of the small room. 

As soon as he was finished with securing the bandage she ripped her hand away and stormed out of the bathroom. He knew the smart thing would be to leave. She obviously didn't want him here and he wasn't going to humiliate himself by trying to reason with her. Besides, he had a mission to complete and until all threats were gone his job was to keep her safe. He started to return to the balcony when her voice halted him mid-step.

"Why did you chose me as your mission?" she asked quietly, and when he didn't reply her voice turned cold and she began to laugh bitterly as she continued, "Silence as always. I should know better than to try and talk to you." 

"I have nothing to say." He replied trying to hide his rising anger.

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You can feel my anger

You can feel my pain

You can feel my torment

Driving me insane

She turned to face him and the look in her eyes shocked him. They were empty and cold just like his. He tried to look away but their pain held him captivated. Slowly she closed the distance between them stopping about a foot in front him. He froze fighting between the intense urge to touch her and the equally intense desire to flee from her searching gaze. Softly she began to speak.

"I loved you, did you know that? I would have done anything just to see you smile. I wanted to be the one to make you happy. I knew you needed something and I thought if I just tried hard enough I could find it and give it to you. It hurt me to see you suffering all the time. I wanted to take the pain away but I can't can I?" she asked as the tears she fought as she spoke began to fall. 

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I can't fight these feelings

They will bring you pain

You can't take away

Make me whole again

He closed his eyes afraid she would see what her words brought to the surface. She had no idea how much he wanted it to be that simple. She was his light in the darkness but he knew no one could ever be his salvation. Look what trying had cost her. If he told her he loved her what would happen then?

"No one can help me Relena. I am what I was trained to be and I can't change. I have no soul, just constant guilt." He replied trying with all his might to keep his voice steady. He knew he was pushing her farther away yet he couldn't help it. 

"Then you were right, there is nothing left to say." She whispered.

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You take away

I feel the same

All these promises

You promised only pain

If you take away

And leave me with nothing again

He felt the pain behind her words as if it were his own. He had hurt her again. But this time she had hurt him too. They were destroying each other slowly, yet what other choice did they have. He couldn't let her go. It was obvious from all the times he'd left determined to forget about her only to return because he needed her. She was far stronger than he was if she could break the tie that bound them together. 

Instantly his mind brought up a past image. They had been standing on her balcony and she had smiled sweetly at him saying that should he ever need her she'd be there for him. He'd remained silent knowing just being there with her was enough. Now she was the one walking away. If he let her.

"Relena, I…." He began to speak but her sad voice cut him off.

"Don't say you're sorry. You can't make yourself care about someone. I want you to be happy and I'm not the one who can give that to you, I know that now. I need you to let me move on. If you don't need me then let me go, please." She whispered.

"I can't Relena, I do need you." He said losing the fight to keep his vulnerability out of his voice. 

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You will feel my anger

You will feel my pain

You will feel my torment

Driving you insane

Slowly he opened his eyes at her continued silence. She met his gaze directly and he saw her try and hide her alarm. He felt the single tear slide gently down his cheek. It wasn't a grand show of emotion but it was more than either of then had ever believed him capable of. He wondered just how much of what he was feeling she could read in his eyes. Under her steady gaze he felt exposed but there was no point in hiding from her anymore. They were each other's downfall and it was inevitable that they would break themselves. 

It was her choice to accept him as he was or break their chains for good. Whatever she decided he would abide. He was leaving himself open to her as she'd opened herself to him. He knew she could read the mixture of fear, love, longing, confusion, and hate in his gaze. Yet she didn't flinch from the violent storm of emotions inside of him. Her own eyes were mirroring some of those same emotions. 

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I can't fight these feelings 

They will bring you pain 

You won't take away

I'll be whole again

Slowly she closed the space between them. Gently she reached up and brushed the tear from his cheek. He shivered at the feel of her fingertips gently brushing his skin. Her gaze still held the same intensity but there was something else beginning to shine in its depth. He recognized the glimmer of hope that sparkled in the deep sea of her eyes. The same hope she had given him. 

"I've cried enough for the both of us." She said softly.

"I'll make you cry again." He whispered.

"I'm not asking for a fairy tale. Nothing is ever perfect or simple. Love is as much pain as hate and I think we've fought both for too long." She answered determinedly as a sweet smile slowly curved her lips. 

Slowly she drew her hand away. By some unspoken understanding they didn't need to be any closer. He knew without being told that this time they were where they needed to be. The past was behind them and so were their fears. He would do anything to keep the feeling that was filling him, the feeling of not being alone, and the feeling of understanding. She was right, nothing is perfect but somehow they had found this moment and it was definitely a new beginning. 

A.N – Sorry it took me so long to get this out. I hope you like it cuz I really put my heart in this one. Okay, please don't ask why they named the song 'Mud shovel'because I have no clue. I felt this described Heero's story so well and I just happen to love the song. Enough rambling from me I've got to get back to work! Thanks a bunch, you guys are the best!!!!!!!!!*_*

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